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November 11th, 2009

About Last Night's Post

For most of the past week I've been in something of a funk. It started on Wednesday with a really ugly drive to see Tank at his mom's. The primary result of the drive (other than being well over an hour late in getting there) was that I was left angry, frustrated and upset because I was vividly reminded of something I try very hard to not think about: that for a few brief years I achieved the one goal in life I cared immensely about over all others, and that it had been viciously ripped away from me and replaced in part with the thing I most wanted to avoid in life. I also knew that Tank would be disappointed that I wasn't there waiting for him when he got off the school bus, thanks to my being late (due to circumstances beyond my control). Shortly thereafter, a series of other small events -- none of them hard to deal with by themselves -- piled on to the feelings of anger, despair and frustration I had felt on that drive to see Tank.

To make matters worse, I've been insisting on continuing my daily ritual of rereading LJ posts I've made on this date over the past several years. This is a problem because the tightly filtered and private posts from this time in 2006 & 2007 are very painful to reread. Nowhere near as painful as it was to write them, mind you, but it's hard not to re-experience some of the pain I felt at the time. In addition, they are further reminders of the loss I still occasionally, but acutely, feel regarding my goals in life.

Because of all this, I've been wallowing emotionally and not paying proper attention to various day-to-day items in my life. This resulted in my overdrawing my bank account at the beginning of this week. Luckily, the problems with my bank account present no immediate problems. I have enough gas in my car, cash on hand, and food in my house until the next paycheck, and while the financial hit from overdraft fees the bank charged me will necessitate my planning my finances carefully for the next few weeks, I am fortunate in that I can make those adjustments and absorb the loss.

What the incident ultimately provided, however, was a moment of clarity about my life and where I am right now. It's easy to say that I've been unfocused for most of the past week based on some of things that have happened, but the fact is that I've been rather unfocused in a lot of ways for some time now. I haven't exerted proper control over the areas of my life where I should, and while there are some issues that are outside of my control and/or will remain as concerns for a long time, their impact upon me would be far less if I did the things I should have been doing all along. Because of the way my mind works, when I achieved that moment of clarity last night, the "Life Is Like a Mop" scene featuring Stanley Spadowski from UHF immediately came to mind, and it just seemed to completely sum up everything I was feeling at that moment.

I've now manned up and put on my big boy Batman Underoos. We'll see how long I maintain this newfound determination to continually take life by the mop handle and make the best of things.

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