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August 9th, 2013

Last Day of Summer Camp

Last day of summer camp for the boy. There's still two more weeks before school starts, but the last day of camp certainly makes it feel like the summer is ending much sooner. As a result, I'm feeling just a little melancholy today. The end of the summer means a return to the school-year schedule and my seeing Tank far less. I've resigned myself to the fact that I cannot be a daily, full-time, year-round presence in Tank's life and worked hard to make the best of the situation. In fact, most of the time I manage not to dwell on the sense of loss I still feel as a result from not being able to the type of dad I really want to be.

Yet, in the same way you can temporarily turn a slow, clear-running stream cloudy by using a stick to disturb the sediment, this time of year inevitably releases some of those emotions -- thus the melancholy I'm experiencing today. I'm sure I will get over it by the end of the day, but that doesn't mean the feelings are over just yet. After all, there's still two more weeks, and the really hard day will come at the end of the summer when I return him to his mother's house the day before school starts. In the same manner I've managed to do so over the past four summers, I'll find a way through this -- though thus far previous experience hasn't seemed to mitigate the intensity of those feelings on that last day before school. Nonetheless, I'll cope, move forward, and this particular emotional stream will eventually run clear again.

But that sediment will not be washed away. It will only resettle at the bottom, waiting to be disturbed and released once again.

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